The Ghetto 529

Way back in the 1990s legislation was passed to allow states to sponsor “529 Plans” that offered a tax advantaged account that could be opened to benefit a child for future college expenses. It isn’t prepaid tuition, that is something different, rather these are like an IRA or 401k plan but instead of being for retirement they are intended to be used for future college tuition and other associated expenses.

They are a good idea, and they are great for the investment firms that manage them for the states, but saving up money for your children’s college while also trying to save for retirement and all of that after you pay for your normal expenses, is a daunting task for all but the wealthiest of us. Most people pay for college either with Pell grants/scholarships or by taking loans.

According to surveys of parents, around 1/3 of White families have 529 accounts versus only 16-17% of blacks. I suspect these numbers are dramatically inflated as people (black and White alike) lie on surveys all the time if they think answering honestly will make them look dumb. Some other examples are surveys about reading a book in the last year, attending church and voting.

Obviously there is deep institutionalized racism happening here given how few black folks are saving for their Scholar-American offspring’s future.

Here at Dissident Thoughts we are not simply in the business of pointing out problems and sharing racist memes. We are solutions oriented!

I got to thinking about this when reading about one Deyquan Hill. Hill was arrested for shooting at a man who was driving while wanted for outstanding warrants and with cocaine in his car. Smart fella.

As I often do, I was thinking to myself “Self, that guy already had two strikes against him at birth and then his mama hung a name like Deyquan on his ass ensuring he would end up this way” and then it hit me.

It is obvious that Deyquan Hill isn’t college material, in fact he isn’t really “repeating the 4th grade for the 3rd time” material. Yet it isn’t fair to assume black folk like Deyquan don’t deserve some planning for their futures. With that in mind I am proud to introduce an all new investment product designed specifically for the black community:

The Ghetto 529!

Here is how it would work. Instead of putting money into investment accounts that are held until you withdraw them for college expenses, black families can pre-pay into accounts that will then be deposited into the prison commissary for their loved one in whichever prison they end up.

It is a well known stereofact that black people spend money as fast as they get it so when Deyquan-types end up in jail they mama often has no cash on hand other than some singles they keep on hand so their little kangz can be photographed with the obligatory spread of cash.

Now when they get a little cash from selling shoplifted items from Walmart or whoring or by selling plasma and/or crack, they can deposit that excess into a Ghetto 529 plan while Deyquan is still in toddler Air Jordans.

A serious and sober investment advisor is a requirement here so mama doesn’t waste Ghetto 529 plans for minor offenses while Deyquan is still a juvenile but instead saves those funds for when Deyquan inevitably commits a serious offense, like shooting at other drivers with cocaine in the car, and gets locked up for real time in the big boy state pen.

Just because your kid isn’t going to college is no excuse for not planning for dey future. I truly believe the Ghetto 529 can be a game changer for members of the Future Felons of America!