We need a lighter mood post after a couple of Serious Topic posts…
A suspected thief’s fondness for Funyuns led to his arrest last week.
Robbery detectives said 55-year-old Alonzo Sansbury was responsible for a pair of thefts on the north side that happened about 30 minutes apart on Friday.
The first one happened at Dollar Tree on North Keystone Avenue; a man attempted to pay with a fake $100 bill before demanding money from the register.
The same suspect targeted Big Lots on North Allisonville Road shortly after that, displaying a handgun before taking cash and some Funyuns.
https://archive.fo/cdxaf
Robbing crappy stores makes a fella hungry! Later he was found wearing the same clothing and with the incriminating Funyuns still in his possession….
Police tracked down the suspect, later identified as Sansbury, using information from license plate readers. He was located at a gas station. A search of his vehicle turned up clothes like the ones seen in the surveillance footage. Investigators also discovered Funyuns in the van.
The Indianapolis Cops even took a picture….
Nice sleuthing boys!
A 55 year old man out robbing Big Lots? I already knew the answer by the headline and then by the name Alonzo but I looked him up anyway…
Ol’ Alonzo here has been in and out of the local slammer on a pretty regular basis….
Hopefully he ate most of the Funyuns before he was arrested, a fella can get hungry in the holding cell.
Since they’re so big on diversity in commercials, Funyuns should do a series of ads with an Alonzo look alike who’s always juuust barely unable to get away with robberies–outlandish ones that parody famous robberies like in the movies The Sting, National Treasure, etc–because of how much he likes Funyuns.
The slogan could be, “The snack you’d risk the slammer for!”
Maybe they could even have him play the part under the prison work program!
That is marketing genius right there
Move over, Frito Bandito. There’s a new junk food junkie in town. Alonzo Wayitt Sansbury does not exactly roll off the tongue, but he could always adopt a righteous rapper name. RuPaul B’unions luv him some Funyons, yo.
It is hard to top the Frito Bandito.
si!!:>
55. And stealing Funyons.
I can’t imagine my life at this stage being nothing but criminality. What a waste of space.
Been arrested 58 times! Funyuns. Betcha can’t steal just one.
Ha!
Have you heard about rapper Huncho?
Apparently he accidentally killed himself by shooting himself in the head making a social media video.
>self-removing
One of the best ones yet. He still probably spawned a few times and committed plenty of crimes beforehand, but at least he’s shot himself rather than end up like the Funyun Thief.
“Police tracked down the suspect, later identified as Sansbury, using information from license plate readers”
Nobody ever says so specifically, but I occasionally notice things like this and conclude they are everywhere now. Probably somewhere in some data center hard drive there is a file on me that includes everywhere my license plate has been read. If not yet, there will be soon.
Never heard of these things before, but when I seen the pik I was reminded I had seen them in the store but have never eaten them. Are they worth checking out?
Speaking of checking out, I bet Alonzo is already back out and working on arrest number 59. Or is it 60?
Why do criminals hang out in all the major metro’s? Is it because all the potential victims hang out there too? If so, I must ask, “Which came first, the criminal or the victim?”, or are they sort of joined at the hip?
Look at pictures of the cities in the early 1900s.
Masses of nonWhites and traitors are why they are how they are now. Simple as.
Funyons aren’t worth much without icy cold Dr Pepper in a glass bottle.
or PURPLE DRANK!!!!!!!!
Word up.