My process in writing involves going back repeatedly while I am writing and making sure what I wrote makes sense, and then before pushing “Publish” I look at a full preview. Sure I still make errors but I catch most of them before it hits the interwebz. But this guy has me beat:
A man faces federal bank robbery charges after the bank security guard chased him down and allegedly found him carrying three rough drafts of the holdup note he handed to a teller.
The robbery occurred around 10:15 a.m. Tuesday at Chase Bank, 10 South Dearborn, in the Loop.
According to a federal complaint filed by an FBI agent, the robber asked a teller about opening an account and then passed a note to the teller, asking if it would suffice as identification.
“Give me as much money possible!! No more then $2000. This is ur chance to help fight back the Gov with all the money they stole from us first!” the note read. “I do not have a gun but I do have a knife which is way more painful!!! If u alert the police and I go to jail for this I will have my outside contacts track you down! If not u then your family!! Now start giving me dat shit!”
https://cwbchicago.com/2024/04/chicago-bank-robber-carried-rough-drafts-of-holdup-note.html
“Now start giving me dat shit!”. That is like poetry and sheeeeit.
Three rough drafts before his final version? That is an unusual work ethic for a fella of that demographic. Tip of my hat to Kendall Jones.
As an aside, he got all of $500 and got caught almost immediately. There is almost no point in robbing a bank as the individual tellers have very little cash on hand, keeping it in two separate drawers, with trackers and dye packs. You are probably better off hitting a convenience store or a check cashing joint.
“start giving me dat shit”….. in writing, no less
yes, reality became indistinguishable from satire some time ago, but this is a new level
I wonder if he drew up an outline first, and maybe consulted spellchecker for the final copy. If so, it should have flagged the phonetic transliteration ‘dat shit’ and offered some alternatives, in case the teller was White.
Next time you attempt a robbery, KJ, (and there will be a next time) get one of your fearsome ‘outside contacts’ to lend you a gun. Or at least claim you have one. And type your notes, homeboy. That handwriting looks like a 12 year old girl’s, with the little circles dotting the i’s. Embarrassing, what?
As Bugs Bunny said: “what a maroon.”
Bear in Indy
Make eugenics great again. I speaking of, I heard Bill “Gates of hell” proclaimed how he got the name for his company, microsoft, after looking at his penis and thought it was a good idea. Unlike the band The Commodores they randomly selected it from a “dicktionary” right next to commode. Im not generally humorous, I am trying, dont break my balls.
The I’s circled, not dotted? His girlfriend wrote those notes. He was going to rob 3 banks.
Exactly or his Mammy…
Sheeit! I be Robbin’ Hood. I robs from the bitch to give to da ho!
Banks should put up everything in cursive writing. (s/)
I kid they favor newcomer replacement uber alles and it would be en espanol.
I have one in the archive where a jogger passed a $50,000 bill for the change.
Back in cashier days the sandwich shop kid got jacked with the I need change for a $100 while buying a small fweedom fwies or a drink.
He came into the liquor store and tried the same with a single tallcan beer and I slammed the cash drawer and said go somewhere else with .1911 on my hip.
Called all the other adult beverage stores and warned them.
That was the best job ever as store manager…except for the joggers always trying to jack a pint or anything loose.
He could be replaced by ChatGPT.
I believe the aim of ChatGPT is Artificial Intelligence while this is an instance of Australopithical Impatience, or “Gibsmedat”, in the vernacular.
Civilization crumbles and the jungle encroaches. One wonders if the Security Guard was mestizo.
So, the nog asks for $2,000 when he can just sit back on his couch, go to the mailbox every week and there, find free money from da gubmint. Just like millions of his people, riding dat welfare train.
Perhaps he has more self-respect though, desiring to “earn his money” by the sweat of his labor.
What an enterprising young nog! I have to stop typing now ’cause I’m tearing up so bad.
At-the-Counter Bank Robbery has just about the lowest ‘success rate’ of any Crime… too many Witnesses, too many Cameras, usually at least one ‘Mall Cop’ on duty. And the ready bag of Cash with the Paint Grenade…
I have nothing to add to this which has not already been said by Our Benighted Scholar or this cyber-gathering.
There is, today, no more satire. It’s all real an’ sheeit.