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Stealing Cars Makes Them Sleepy

Poor little fellas were all tuckered out after a busy day of theft.

CHICAGO – Four men had an assault-style rifle, two pistols outfitted to fire like machine guns, a device used to duplicate auto key fobs, narcotics, and other items when Chicago police officers found them sleeping inside a stolen Maserati last weekend, prosecutors say.

According to court records, Judge Maryam Ahmad ordered all four men detained, three due to the nature of the charges filed against them and the fourth on out-of-state arrest warrants.

The car in question was a 2015 Maserati Ghibli. The breadcrumbs in question are named Arquis Alexander, Tyand Wilson, Matrice Smith and Ramanze Robinson. The first thing I would do after stealing a Maserati, a distinctive car that would attract notice, would be to take a little nap. With guns on my lap. In Chicago.

They had a stolen car and a slew of ARs and Glocks with switches, plus more goodies…

A bookbag near Smith allegedly contained three additional “Glock switches,” the illegal after-market devices that allow ordinary semi-automatic pistols to generate machine gun-like automatic gunfire. The bag also contained 16 suspected oxycodone pills, a digital scale, and a black ski mask, according to police.

According to reports generated by CPD, officers also found a car key fob programmer and blank key fobs in the back seat.

Definitely want to make sure as much evidence as possible is in the vehicle with you to make the prosecutor’s job that much easier. All four have a pile of priors and outstanding warrants as well. Four all around swell guys that were only stealing the Maserati so they could make it to class at the local community college where they were turning their lives around.


  1. Big Ruckus D

    There once were four negro criminal punks
    Anyplace they went, the place just plain stunk
    They cruised around Chitown stealing guns and cars like a bitch
    And then got caught napping and in possession of a switch.

    Anyway, I heard their Maserati does 185. Now they go before the judge to shuck and jive.

  2. Berglander

    “Your honor, my clients are obviously just innocent victims of White Supremacy and police brutality. I recommend you release them.”
    “Oy vey yes you’re right these noble blacks should be let out. See you at temple on Saturday?”
    “Oh of course I’m bringing lox it’s only $9.99”

  3. Max Wiley

    You have to admit the floor is coming up a bit in car theft when garden variety hoodlums like these are using key fob duplicators.

  4. Pat H. Bowman

    Back on the streets the next day on a no-bail bond. They’ll never show up for their hearing and nothing will ever come of it. Now, if this was a white guy taking a nap after praying outside an abortion clinic, 10 years hard time, baby. Gotta keep the streets safe.

  5. TakeAHardLook

    Part of the reason that these gingers so rampantly break laws is that, as low-IQ as they are, even these dumbasses can notice that other gingers who commit felonies seem to be getting back on the street with virtually no penalty.

    The White, Liberal, guilt-ridden pansies of the Left, who are or who appoint judges, see to it that the gingers have become the protected class, can do no wrong, or are “making up for centuries of White privilege and systemic racism.”

    My take differs somewhat: Where are MY reparations for having to live in the same nation as this feral, low-IQ, low tech farm equipment, a bio-weapon imported into the U.S. hundreds of years ago–largely facilitated by (((J)))-owned slave ships?

    • Big Ruckus D

      For that matter, where’s our reparations for all the stuff they’ve stolen and destroyed? I can count a pretty nice bike and some Tonka trucks I used in the sandbox (as a child), some tools off a job site, and a recent delivery off my front porch just for starters. At least they haven’t gotten my Maserati yet…

        • Big Ruckus D

          Yes and no. I know they’re not from around the neighborhood. They’re just opportunists who commute around from their urban hell holes to steal good shit from people that actually have some. Admittedly, that’s not much consolation. But unless I decide to pull up stakes and move to the middle of nowhere, this kind of stuff will continue to be a problem.

          Presently, my livelihood pretty well necessitates that I live within reasonable distance of a population center. I’m suburban, but I’m under no illusions about how quickly and readily they can overrun this place.

  6. Anon

    Completely understandable. I’m often exhausted after work, even waking up tired at the prospect of even more work all so others can leech off of me.
    So tired.

    So tired and sick of all of this shit. It’s not burning down quick enough.

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