A Trio Of Mild Monkeyshines

Let’s take a quick break from blacks doing horrendous crimes to some mild and amusing criminal behavior by the Scholar-Americans.

First up, a local yokel….

 Court documents for the arrest of an 18-year-old Fort Wayne man show that city police have responded to multiple recent reports of robberies connected to the alias “John Wick.”

Police say they believe Michael Simpson Jr. was part of one of those robberies Thursday when a woman delivering a DoorDash order to his apartment was robbed at gunpoint, according to a probable cause affidavit written by Fort Wayne Police Officer Nicholas Heyerly. The woman said she was met at the door by a man, handed the food to him and he “smirked” at her as she walked back to her car.

Then a man in a ski mask ran around the apartment with a long gun at his hip, she told police.

He demanded money from her, but all she had was cards, court records show. She handed him a single Shipt card and he ran back around the building the way he came.

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Damn, he look just like dat John Wick!

Then check out these criminal masterminds!

Colorado attorneys for two men accused of stealing items from Kohl’s, including KitchenAid appliances, argued for lesser charges during the trial because some items their clients stole were on sale.

The District Attorney’s office for Colorado’s 18th Judicial District, which includes the counties of Lincoln, Elbert, Douglas and Arapahoe, said 50-year-old Michael Green and 37-year-old Byron Bolden were sentenced this month after they were convicted of retail theft at a Parker, Colorado, Kohl’s department store.

An investigation learned Green and Bolden were connected to other Kohl’s thefts, leading to the store calling the duo the “KitchenAid Mixer Crew.”

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The KitchenAid Mixer Crew? That is a pretty bad ass name for your gang. Don’t be messing with the KMC y’all!

During the trial, the defense attorneys told members of the jury that Green and Bolden should face a lesser misdemeanor charge since some of the items they stole were “on sale” at the time of the theft.

Under Colorado law, theft less than $2,000 is a misdemeanor offense, while theft between $2,000 and $5,000 is a felony — prosecutors valued the items stolen by the duo at just under $2,095.

“Just because an item is ‘on sale’ doesn’t mean it’s free to steal, and these defendants now get to think about this lesson in jail and prison,” District Attorney John Kellner said. “Retailers in our community are fed up with theft and my office will actively prosecute these offenders.”

Behold this pair, you will be hard pressed to find a more dead-eyed, vacant expression on a face.

Those two look so dumb, if you gave them a C, A and T Scrabble tiles they still couldn’t arrange them to spell cat. The fella on the right is 50 years old and out stealing mixers from Kohls. What an enormous burden on society that guy has been and will continue to be and he likely has inseminated at least a few water buffalo to perpetuate his bloodline of criminal idiocy.

Finally a young scholar down in Senatobia, Mississippi (40% black), getting probation for pissing in public at the ripe ol’ age of 10.

Black child, 10, sentenced to probation and a book report for urinating in public

A 10-year-old Black child who urinated in a parking lot must serve three months’ probation and write a two-page book report on the late NBA star Kobe Bryant, a Mississippi judge has ordered.

Tate County Youth Court Judge Rusty Harlow handed down the sentence Tuesday after the child’s lawyer reached an agreement with a special prosecutor. The prosecution threatened to upgrade the charge of “child in need of supervision” to a more serious charge of disorderly conduct if the boy’s family took the case to trial, said Carlos Moore, the child’s attorney…..

….“I don’t think there is a male in America who has not discreetly urinated in public,” Moore said.

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Um Carlos, it obviously wasn’t all that discreet if the cops saw him and arrested him. Fun fact, we stopped for dinner in Senatobia last year on our trip to Mississippi and ate at the Delta Steakhouse. The food was pretty good and no little scholars were pissing in the parking lot. I would be remiss if I didn’t include this quote from the article:

Marie Ndiaye, deputy director of the Justice Project at the Advancement Project, a racial justice organization, said the arrest is emblematic of broader issues in the criminal justice system.

“Sentencing anyone, let alone a young child, to probation under these facts is sure to add to the trauma and denigration this child has suffered since their arrest,” Ndiaye said. “This is all the more proof that we need to severely limit police interactions with civilians, from petty retail theft to traffic stops and even so-called ‘quality of life’ offenses. For Black [sic] people in America, it is a matter of life and death.”

See the problem is “police interactions with civilians”, not that blacks keep committing crimes. While I don’t think that giving a 10 year old probation is an especially useful exercise, I do hold out a tiny sliver of hope that the little scholar will learn that his actions have consequences and not follow the typical path of criminality like so many black boys, but I kind of doubt it.

You never know what kind of shenanigans they are going to get up to but you can be sure they will be stupid and amusing.