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Scholar Shenanigans In The District Of Congo!

Things are so bad in Kinshasa, er Washington D.C., that a United States Congressman, one Representative Henry Cuellar, was carjacked at gunpoint last night. In a delicious twist, Rep. Cuellar is a Democrat:

Rep. Henry Cuellar offered his firsthand account Tuesday after he was carjacked at gunpoint Monday night.

“I was just coming into my place. Three guys came out of nowhere and they pointed guns at me. I do have a black belt, but I recognize when you got three, three guns — I looked at one with a gun and another with a gun, a third one behind me — So they said they wanted my car. I said, ‘Sure.’ You’ve got to keep calm under those situations. And then they took off,” Cuellar told reporters Tuesday morning on Capitol Hill.

Cuellar said police have recovered his car and his phone, and he thanked both U.S. Capitol Police and the Metropolitan Police Department.

Three stolen Glocks versus a black-belt isn’t a winning combo, sounds like he kept his head and walked away alive. There have been hundreds of carjackings in D.C. already this year, an average of more than two every day, but this time it was a member of Congress, not some poor shlub from the mandarin class, so the political establishment has the vapors. It sure sucks when you have to live with the consequences of your actions, doesn’t it Henry?

It took me a little time but I managed to find one story (the archived link above) with the description provided by the U.S Capitol Police:

“According to the victim’s statements, the suspects ‘swarmed [the victim’s] vehicle, pointed firearms in his face and demanded the keys to the car.’ Thankfully there were not any injuries,” a statement from Capitol Police said. “A witness told investigators three males in knit caps and ski masks were involved. The witness reported that the suspects were 5’10” black males who may have been around the age of 16 due to their build.”

Scholars one and all, simply looking for transportation to a physics club meeting.

I’m glad he wasn’t hurt but I find it delicious to see a Mexican Democrat Congressman getting carjacked by three black scholars, right in the heart of D.C. Don’t worry though, I am sure crime will turn around under the interim leadership of Acting Chief of Police Pamela Smith.

Having served many years in the U.S. Park Police busting vagrants and giving tourists directions to the nearest public restroom where she rose to the rank of Chief of an outfit with less than 500 people, she was hired by the Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia as their “chief equity officer”, before recently being named as the Acting Chief of the MPD with over 4000 employees. I am confident that you are as relieved as I am to see this strong black wahmen leading the MPD in D.C. in the midst of a violent crime wave.


  1. Zorost

    ” you are as relieved as I am”

    She does have a lot of experience with helping to relieve people, as you yourself stated:

    “giving tourists directions to the nearest public restroom”


    Coongressman Mestizo Cuellar got jacked by three scholars, prolly U.S. Capitol ROTC cadets. Looks like District 1 will be hosting the next season of the Hunger Games.

  3. Moe Gibbs

    Just think of the possibilities for rolling congresscritters and other self-anointed Grand Poobahs next August at the Democratic National Convention in (drum roll, please…) Chicago!

    Bruthas are gonna have to call in reinforcements for that target-rich environment.


      Chicongo, Chicongo, it’s a helluva town! 🎶 Chicongo, Chicongo, they’re all black and brown! 🎵
      You can bet your bottom dollar,
      You’ll lose your life tomorrow,
      In Chicongo, the place that feral bluegum have shut down! 🎼

  4. Jack Shitlord

    In the coming months please remember these three rules Old Jack would like to pass on to anyone who values his life & that of his loved ones.

    (1) Nobody’s coming to save you.That includes law enforcement, the National Guard, etc.
    (2) The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. The coming shit show is going to be war by the way, like it or not.
    (3) Once your dead, your dead. Quite obvious. Prepare accordingly & good luck. You’re going to need it!

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