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The story itself is fairly standard, a band of smash-and-grab Looter-Americans hit a jewelry store Tennessee but store employees called the cops when they saw a fella walking into the store during the day wearing a hoodie, hat, surgical mask and sunglasses. They are known for their subtlety.

Anyway, four of them were arrested as a result, VIDEO: Four arrested after violent jewelry store robbery at Cool Springs mall, but the names of the four were just delightful.

Quintaurus, Dunterious, Keisean and Marcanzo (sounds like a Mexican dish). Those are some awesome Basketball-American names.

I didn’t have anything else to add, their names just made me GOL (guffaw out loud).


  1. TechieDude

    Just for fun, I’d love to know if there was any logic behind these names, or did baby mama just make shit up.

    Quintaurus – 5 bulls? is that what it took to get in her pants or did she do five bulls at a time?

    I read a piece a long time ago about black dudes changing their names, or using their normal middle name on resumes so they might get a call. What was funny was when Duntarious shows up, the manager is like “uh…you sounded taller on the phone”.

    Sad thing, really, to saddle a kid with a weird name.

  2. SirLawrence

    Anecdotes are data when it comes to basketball. So IME, all of the blaks I have known with normal names have come from intact families – at least for the early life. Michael, Jason, Eric, Thomas, Jacob, etc. If they have names like the All-Stars above it is almost always a kid that was spawned via the project’s sperm roulette wheel of misfortune and the “father” may be known but was unavailable for comment and all those naming discussions over gin and purple drank. The mothers will name these kids in the same way the STDs run through those zip codes. Replication + mutation. English resistant Chlamiditarious. How did you get that name? “It’s a family name”.

  3. MrFoxPlease

    They all likely just finished their night shift as brain surgeons and forgot to remove the surgical masks when they stopped by the mall to buy some lovely jewelry for their stunning brides awaiting adoringly at their regal manors. Surely it was all another case of profiling gone wrong. Time for some “Reverend Doctor Bishops” to show up and set this all straight!

  4. Moe Gibbs

    Check out those ages. Youngest 29, oldest 35. In other words, those scrabble names were dreamed up in the last century, so it is hardly a new phenomenon.

    I have a son with an Old Testament name and another with a New Testament name. I used to tease them when they were young that they came THIS CLOSE to being named ‘Tyrone’ and ‘D’Andre’, instead.

    I used to watch a show on local TV called “[County’s] Most Wanted” strictly for the humorous names and scowling visages of the homeboys whose mugshots dominated that fabulously un-pc program.

  5. Gryphon

    The Weird Names Game may be an extension of the “Don’t Act White” meme that exists in the ghetto (and beyond) where a Name that fits a White, European person is seen as culturally incorrect… the fact that this results in such Funny… names, doesn’t register in their I.Q. Bracket.

  6. Zorost

    I’ve heard rumors that there is a contest between maternity ward nurses to see who can convince ghetto mom’s to name their kids the most ridiculous names.

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