While I didn’t break my personal rule against financially supporting Hollywood, I did watch the newest Godzilla movie last night, Godzilla vs. Kong. I don’t say this lightly but it might be the worst movie ever made. Like ever.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good smash ’em up movie. I loved Pacific Rim because I could shut off my brain and watch giant robots fight giant monsters. But this steaming pile of dog shit? It was so wacky that you couldn’t even enjoy the fight scenes and the battles were just awful. Some spoilers follow but really I am doing you a favor if you were thinking about watching this crap.
This whole movie felt like it was made because there was a contract and budget in place so what the hell, why not? There was a random deaf girl who mostly smiled and apparently can communicate with Kong in sign language with fairly advanced concepts that Kong would have no frame of reference for. King loves this little girl but why? Don’t know. He also scratches his butt when he wakes up. Hahahaha! It was still probably the least insulting part of the whole movie.
Kong is trapped in a biodome but he somehow knows he is in a biodome and keeps throwing trees like spears into it but it still works. How did he get in the biodome? Don’t know. Somehow if he gets out, Godzilla will magically know and come after him. Why doesn’t Godzilla know he is there when he is in the biodome? Don’t know. Godzilla can apparently swim at near hypersonic speeds underwater and get anywhere in the world in minutes. That seems weird because during one of the fight scenes Godzilla looks like a fat old woman, with thick thighs, a belly and huge ass.
He looks like he should be in a rascal scooter at Wal-Mart, not destroying cities or swimming around the world in record time.
A lot of the action takes place in the center of the earth in a place called Hollow Earth. Clever name. You have to enter the path to Hollow Earth in Antarctica and that makes sense, so they put Kong on a giant barge and ship him to Antarctica. How did they sedate him in the first place? Don’t know. How did they get him onto the ship? Don’t know. Why doesn’t the ship flip over when the giant ape thrashes around? Don’t know. How did they keep him sedated for this trip? Don’t know. Where did they get this giant barge with enormous shackles for Kong on the spur of the moment? Don’t know. When the ship gets flipped upside down and fills with water, how does it keep running after all of the electronics were soaked in seawater? Don’t know. Anyway, Kong fights Godzilla in the water and loses but Godzilla leaves them alone because the ships power down and play dead. Seriously. So they decide to take Kong the rest of the way by hauling him via a dozen choppers suspended in a giant net. Yeah, they just happened to have a giant net. You know, just in case. How did they knock Kong out and manage to get him on this huge net when he wasn’t shacked and then attached a dozen lines to helicopters? Don’t know.
Anyway, to get to this you need a special ship because gravity reverses itself and tears you apart but somehow Kong falls through this distortion and is fine. Oh and he also falls for miles but manages to catch himself on some rocks to break his fall. I see. Once there the evil corporate people scan some sort of magical blue bullshit rock that is used to run Mechagodzilla. A robot grabs a piece and scans it, then uploads the data or something and suddenly Mechagodzilla works. What did they scan that took about a minute but made all of the difference? Don’t know. How did they transmit this data in a matter of seconds from the center of the earth through a deadly magnetic distortion and into Hong Kong? Don’t know. Must be a hell of a bluetooth connection. What was in this magic blue bullshit rock that made Mechagodzilla work? Don’t know. Oh and there was some hot chick who mainly was eye candy but she died right away.
Anyway once they mess with the blue rock, Godzilla figures out what they are doing and uses his atomic breath….to bore a hole through the earth’s crust and into the hollow world, conveniently right where Kong can go through it. Then he and Kong scream at each other and apparently can hear one another even though they would be at least hundreds of miles apart. Uh….. Anyway, then Kong falls/climbs through this hole and covers hundreds of miles in a couple of seconds with his new magic ax made of Godzilla scales held onto a giant bone with leather straps. Where did they get leather straps that size? Don’t know. Meanwhile Machagodzilla gets loose and becomes self-aware. How? Don’t know. He beats the crap out of regular Godzilla and then Kong and Godzilla beat him up but to finally defeat him they did exactly what I said they would do when Kong found the ax: Godzilla atomic breath charged it up and then Kong chopped up Mechagodzilla and they won. Hurray! Suddenly they don’t want to kill each other now because they learned the value of teamwork and friendship or something, just how actual beasts operate.
Meanwhile there are a couple of random story lines that defy reason. Kyle Chandler, the dad from Friday Night Lights makes a few cameos looking confused and like he wanted to kill his agent for signing him up for this. He doesn’t add anything to the story. The bad guy, and you know he is bad because he is White and runs a business, makes a few evil guy speeches and then dies. Meanwhile there is a whole storyline of a weird black guy who runs a conspiracy podcast while working undercover at the evil corporation but he doesn’t mask his annoying and unique voice but no one figures out who he is. Millie Bobby Brown, Eleven from Stranger Things, finds him along with her fat gender non-specific friend Josh and they manage to infiltrate a super secret facility in America and then are transported by a magic monorail to Hong Kong. The entire reason for them being in the movie is at one point the fat kid pours the black guy’s little bottle of booze on a computer terminal and this makes Mechagodzilla pause for about three seconds giving Kong and Godzilla time to attack him. I am not joking. Oh and Lance Riddick, who I liked in The Wire and Fringe, makes a couple of random appearances and I really have no idea what he was doing other than cashing a check.
Millie Bobby Brown was a hot property thanks to Stranger Things but her career is heading down the toilet. She was awful in this and her leading role in a flick about the sister of Sherlock Holmes was widely panned as terrible. According to IMDb she was paid $3,000,000 for being garbage in Godzilla versus Kong. She turns 18 next year and unless something changes she is going to be relegated to soft core or becoming a trannie to stay relevant like “Elliot” Page. The weird fat kid? He mostly acted scared. Good job!
This flick supposedly was budgeted at $200 million dollars. For that kind of money you think they could have spared a few bucks to pay someone to write a decent script or at least one that didn’t make zero sense but instead they spent it on mediocre CGI. If you can watch this for free and don’t mind losing a few IQ points, I guess there are worse ways to spend two hours but man this was just about the worst film I have ever seen.